I am finally starting to feel better again.
At least, better than the last few days.
Not great, but fucking better.
And hahaha, I’ll take it.
I’ll take it so damn hard, I’m almost downright giddy about the mere thought of it right now.
Now time to go be productive.
Emotionally, I am actually quite awesome right now.
Lots of good feelings to acknowledge and process. Lots of exciting new things to, you know, think and feel about. My grades are good in spite of these challenges thrown my way, my friendships are good, there’s a handful of people I care so incredibly much about and they make my world and my day and it’s only going to get better and better, and last weekend I discovered, through the sleepy eyes and chubby arms of a toddler I cuddled with, just how beautiful and precious LIFE can be. All of these things are so, so, SO good…
Physically, however, I am a wreck. And besides the occasional family drama that comes and goes, THAT’s really the only thing that may be bringing down my mood right now, if at all.
My body seems to be sabotaging itself more NOW, in these last few weeks, than it ever has before. And I’ve never taken this long to recover from this shit before, either.
I might’ve had a seizure yesterday morning, or at least something closely resembling it. My boss ended up sending me home in the care of my mother, although he really wanted to call an ambulance for me instead. I think I scared him pretty bad and I feel horrible about it. I wish I could control this shit better, but even after I managed to sit up on the ground again, I could barely speak (I think I was speaking?) and I felt like I was still on the verge of passing out. I used to be so good at hiding how I felt, but it’s so bad these days I sometimes CAN’T manage that anymore…
For the last few weeks, I’ve had noticeably WORSE pain and headaches and pressure and vision, motor, and speech issues off and on that I’ve ever had before…
For example, sometimes my left foot gets floppy when I walk, as if it forgot a chunk of the finer motions/mechanisms involved in walking somehow, so it ends up thumping the ground in a way that doesn’t cushion any of the joints in my leg for shit (which is most noticeable when wear my big cloppy work boots, of all things), or sometimes I get lazy and it just skids. And I roll my ankle more easily when it’s all weak and floppy like that as well. So after a week of that shit, my joints start to ache and pop from walking all awkwardly, especially that damn ankle. I just can’t win. :/
I am just starting to walk without a hitch again, even though I’ll have moments when the limp seems to come back, usually during or after I have some kind of fit and my thigh muscles twist and cramp up again. So at least I AM recovering, I think, however slowly…
However, ever since yesterday my physical stamina has been completely shot, and I have to take frequent pauses during extended physical activities before my muscles decide to completely QUIT on me. Willpower alone cannot compensate for all of this extreme fatigue; I cannot simply tell myself to work through it like I used to be able to do. I spent an hour today getting a piercing in my tragus because my right hand would shake and grow weak every time I attempted to grip and manipulate that one, stupid ass tiny little ball. What. The. Hell.
And because of my issues yesterday (my muscles still feel incredibly torn today, and I still feel insanely fatigued as well, to the point that most physical activity feels like a major cardio workout) I bumped up my MRI appointment. MRI’s are frikin’ bizarre as hell, by the way, and kind of unsettling. Anywho, I get the results on Monday with my follow-up with my doc, so hopefully we can finally figure this shit out.
This is all so incredibly frustrating, but I’ve got to figure this shit out and FIGHT it. I have to fight it. I can’t be this weak and non-functioning forever. I just can’t. I need to be able to function again, be a workhorse kind of person again, strong and able to take care of myself without these damn issues. I can’t. FUCKING. STAY LIKE THIS. DAMMIT.
UGH. SO DAMN FRUSTRATED.
I finally got this infatuated idiot to stop talking to me.
I love them to pieces. <3
Warm fuzzy affectionate moment’s done now.
The air conditioning’s still out, and it’s actually cooler outside the house right now. No joke.
If this doesn’t improve after tonight I’ll be sleeping in my tent tomorrow.
But for now, the couch beckons. Because my room is actually legit the hottest room in the house.
For the last week or so, I’ve had trouble walking.
As in, my left foot, the muscles and nerves in my left foot, have forgotten half of the mechanics involved in walking. So I either wobble, thump, or outright foot-flop on that foot while walking everywhere. I cannot help this; I’ve tried to tell myself that it is all in my head and that I only need to “will” myself into walking correctly again, but my leg simply does not listen to such pep talk. And if I get extremely lazy and thoughtless with my walking, I may even drag that damn foot on the ground for a second. It’s like my leg is dying on me, turning into a damn peg leg. I don’t know if I can even begin to explain or convey what is going on here or my level of frustration with it…
And sometimes I roll my ankle. My calf muscles are like rocks and yet, my ankle is the most unstable it has ever been. How the hell does that work? On top of that, I can now pop bones in my foot and ankle I have been previously unable to pop, I suppose due to the change in pressure from the awkward and unhealthy manner in which I’ve been unfortunately walking lately. So my leg’s pretty fucked up and, as a consequence, it’s going to STAY fucked up. I just can’t win here.
After awhile, it just hurts. It aches. I think I’ve partially rolled my ankle a few dozen times in this last week. My ankle bones feel bruised, as do some of the bones in my foot. My muscles hurt. And when I really try to walk “properly” again on that leg for once, I usually end up giving myself sudden, painful, crippling muscle spasms and cramps that have me bent over double or, even, falling and rolling onto the ground fucking helplessly. W. T. F.
Some days it’s better than others, though. It just never quite goes completely away anymore.
I feel so damn pathetic. I hate this.
Meanwhile, I have those same headaches and pains I’ve had for years but worse and more frequent than ever, these random changes in vision, and cramps, spasms, shooting electrical pain and aching in my left arm, left torso, generally just my left side. A few days ago I gave myself a minor black eye because my left arm jerked the moment I grabbed at a squegee pole at work, and as a consquence I jabbed myself in the frikin’ eye. I get all these things on my right occasionally, too, but to a much more minor degree.
Last night, I could not sleep for the life of me. This morning, I am so nauseous I am fighting the urge to puke all the pills I took this morning. I have kind of thrown up in my mouth more than once. But I have a test in an hour that I MUST be there to take. Really, though, I feel like utter shit. I think I am going to beeline home as soon as I finish that test and take a nap before I completely lose it! Or pass out. Or both.
I feel like I am losing my mind. My MRI appointment is on the 5th. I hope nothing shows up but at the same time I kind of want to know what the fuck is going on. It’s worse now than it’s ever been before and this time it doesn’t seem to be going away. Not like it used to. I am just a little concerned here.
I just want to fucking FUNCTION again, okay Universe? Okay.
I have sometimes wondered how someone could smoke half a pack of cigarettes a day, but this might just explain it. Wow.
It’s super accurate. What I don’t get is people who smoke more than a pack. You have to be smoking ALL THE TIME.
I’m a [very] social smoker, but I couldn’t imagine smoking more than three at the very most in a day, and certainly not every day. Hell I can go a week or two without having one and not even notice. Lately, though, I’ve been avoiding even the casual social smoking. I think it’s making me feel sick, or at least contributing. :/ Why bother with it in the first place? I mean, I only used to smoke cloves until those became illegal, and the alternatives to those aren’t really quite as pleasant or rewarding to me.
I have friends that are super addicted, though. It’s a lot harder for them to just stop and they’re trying to quit to no avail. And they probably smoke about half a pack a day. Sucks. Another reason why I stopped. Out of solidarity.