2.) Old lady at gas station knows who Clayface is. Made my day.
3.) After taking A&P exam, came to the conclusion that I have accidentally “befriended” (using this term very loosely, as we are just classmates) a sexist, transphobic, insensitive douchebag. The shit he was saying today? Good lord, if I wasn’t sick I would’ve verbally ripped him a new one. :/ Hoping he’s just uneducated and therefore ignorant. Hoping hoping hoping… I bet he’s part of that damn UniLad posse, man. Fucking shit.
Now, off to rest, relax, and watch me some more Starbuck.
Everything except the pretest for tomorrow evening, anyway.
I plan on getting up early, heading up to Denton and sitting down at my favorite old cafe while I work on that there pretest thingy there.
Then I’ll spontaneously (not!) run into an old friend there at that there cafe (totally NOT planned at all [/sarcasm]) and will catch up on wonderful things before heading up to Gainesville for my A&P test. Which, based on my practicum last week, will hopefully be easy. Hopefully. Again, just gotta know about tissues, basic compounds, the skin, and all that fun jazz. Fuck. Yeah.
In the meantime? Time for some Nyquil and a little bit of BSG before I drift off for the night.
After narrowing down my choices to Grey’s Anatomy and Battlestar Galatica, I narrowed it down even further to… wait for it… wait for it…
Why? Because Starbuck.
BECAUSE I NEED ME SOME STARBUCK IN MY LIFE.
YES I AM VERY VERY SLIGHTLY ENAMORED WITH A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. YES THERE ARE REASONS WHY I LIKE HER THAT I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ADMITTING TO RIGHT NOW. YES THIS PROBABLY ISN’T HEALTHY. DON’T JUDGE ME. JUST LET ME INDULGE IN THIS FOR A FEW WEEKS OKAY? OKAY. DON’T JUDGE. OKAY.
I’ll probably jump back to Grey’s after I sufficiently have my Starbuck fix.
I have a fever and minor cold symptoms but I am in a good state of mind, which is what really counts.
I may not be a social butterfly but I CAN be social. And seeing other people and talking to other people and generally just getting out there is, I think, really good for me! It’s therapeutic.
The other things I am doing includes focusing on school, life goals, and fandom. Indulging in all of the things in life that excite me. I also got my SSRI changed, too. And I think I’m going to start working out more because that seems to help, too. And there’s some things I like about being single and I’m going to revel in all of those things, too.
If I can just keep this up, everything will be okay.
Not 100%, which means there will be a number of times that I’ll be faking happiness, but definitely better. Definitely on the road to recovery.
I’m over the relationship, the friendship, and maybe within the next half year as I move way on and over and focus on other things, I’ll get over HER entirely.
When that happens I’ll finally be ready to date again, to entertain thoughts about others and be receptive to flirting and all that fun jazz, instead of the hesitant, purse-lipped thing I find myself doing now (because I’m just not ready to engage in that sort of thing yet). Yeah, I’ll date again eventually. With the lessons I have learned from this whole experience as well.
In the meantime, I am clinging to every opportunity I have to feel pleasure and joy. Not just thoughts about the better future to come, but also in-the-moment things, like the taste of good food, or the warmth of a friendly dog giving me a hug, or watching one of my favorite shows. And of course, the friends that are true and real, the ones that really count.
And whenever I see her, I will now have the courage to look her level in the eye, even when she’s being sullen and refusing to do the same. Because right now we HAVE to “play nice” together. I will be civil even when she’s not. I will be excruciatingly friendly and nice and rub it in with every opportunity just how much progress I have made since the moment she first cut me right to the quick, and all of the times since. I will thoroughly cover my own ass in all this, too, doing damage control and formulating back up plans regarding the only thing I really have left to lose here. And then one day, I’ll be gone entirely.
I guess I spent so much time working through the loss of the relationship… that when the friendship ended as well, I recovered even more quickly. Bounced back even more readily. Because I had already done a whole hell of a lot of the ground work.
I had a crazy couple of days afterward, lots of moments of weakness, a spiraling roller coaster of emotions even, but now I feel better than ever. Because I know what I can and cannot control here…
That bitch be crazy, and if she’s done, if she’s giving up and running away like the coward she is, then good riddance. Hope one day she grows up, grows a pair and learns to actually address her problems instead of continuing to pretend that everything is okay. Because that experience was NOT okay. That was as dysfunctional as anything could be.
Yeah, you got a beef with me? Then why don’t you come over here and actually CONFRONT me? What are you even afraid of? That you’re wrong? That all of your decisions are riding on delusions? What?
But you know what? You said what you said and if it’s the truth? Ain’t my problem anymore. Good fucking riddance. You’ve hurt me enough and I’ve been way too damn forgiving already.
I’ve got friends in other places, older friends and trusted and tried and true friends. Friends that are willing to work through the tough times, too. Not this wishy-washy bullshit at all. And you know what’s going to help me see this through the other side? THOSE friends. All the good things I enjoy, too.
And every time I enjoy that company, those friendships, all those awesome things, every time I laugh and smile and make others laugh and smile too, it’s just one elaborate “fuck you” directed right at you. Especially when you’re around to see it.
Because if you asked me just a few days ago, I would’ve said you’re one of the ones I wanted to share my happiness with, maybe THE ONE above all others. You’re someone I let my walls down around more than 99% of the people out there. Well, no more. You’ve completely shattered what little remained of my trust in you.
And soon, very soon, I will take the pctb exam. Then I’ll be getting a job hopefully back up in Denton, the town I love, and quitting my current job. Then I’ll be down the path for nursing and have a decent job and a decent apartment in Denton and if you truly wish to give up on all of this, I will actually physically be in a place to grant that wish. And if so, you will be nothing more than a memory. Just like you apparently wanted.
And again, if that is what you wish, if you’re not even willing to try or fight, good fucking riddance. Ain’t forcing anything on you. You dug your own damn grave here and you can live with the consequences. Have a nice life.